Sabotteur
7 / 10
Ač se mi to album osobně líbí, myslím, že potřebuje recenzi od Lorda K stejně těžce jako jeho předchůdce. Vzhledem k uzavřené diskuzi posílám sem:
This is going to be such an easy start… Will Sweden’s premiere cocksuckers at Sound Pollution (Nightwish’s distribution here and there) e-mail us once again, asking us to remove the review after I take another piss on Nightwish, if I do? I so fucken hope so becoz that would render us even more years of pointing and laughing at them. I so remember what they, the fucken liplickers at Sound Pollution, wrote us:
“Neither the band, the management or the record label think your review of “Once” is relevant, we suggest you take it down.”
I still suggest all of you to go fuck yourselves, including the fantastically educated fans, known as the elves, after this gorgeous debacle. Read most of what happened in the Hatemail section of this site, a section started thanx to the completely clueless little fairies. They are many in numbers, but have a total IQ of a worn out shoe. Here’s another chance for them troll-panties wearing bitches to send us some e-mails again. We need more material for the hatemail section, cunts. Have at it, losers. Insulted yet? Onwards…
So, the band who once brought us Cumbucket v.01, Tarja Turunen, returns with a new album and Cumbucket v.02. And that is definitely one of the best things that has happened to Nightwish in quite some time, I see that now. I always thought v.01’s vocals were what made Nightwish listenable, but this new chick, Cumbucket v.02, sure puts some longed-for emotion into their music and is, as a whole, a hella lot better and more interesting vocalist than Cumbucket v.01 ever was. Her voice suits what Nightwish is doing better than v.01. Good work with finding this cunt, guys.
So, what can we expect from “Dark passion play” apart from the cheesiest songtitles this side of Switzerland, the always incredibly hideous male vocals, medieval bullshit influences, nice orchestrations, pathetic lyrics, a lot of butter, some squirts of semen and god-awful ballads?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
That’s where Nightwish are at, just as expected. And I don’t mind all that fucken much since this album is at least a small step up from the “Once” jizz-fest (and don’t forget the other version of the review). We are dealt a nice production as well, isn’t that sweet of’em? It would be so easy to take the piss out of this band once again, but “Dark passion play” deserves a little better, even if it’s not much. There are some really nice hooks here and there, especially in “Sahara” (zzz… the titles are just fucken astonishing), the one track I would consider the strongest one on here, mostly thanx to v.02’s fantastically catchy chorus. At other times I get fucken 80’s chick-rock feelings (“Amaranth” occasionally reminds me of Yngwie Malmsteen’s ex-whore Erika’s feeble attempts at a music career). Some of the music that was lost from the movie “Braveheart” can be found in “Meadows of heaven”. This shows the very side of Nightwish that exactly make them fucken suck big time. What is it with these useless ballads that do nothing but bore everyone into small piles of pus? Nope, elves, it’s not “passionate”, “soulful” or “heartwarming”, it’s fucken disgraceful. Absolutely fucken incredible…
“The penis and the pendulum” (now they finally got a good title) kinda swings at times (pendulum… swings… I’m a fucken poet), if you manage to get thru the worthless intro without cutting your arms off with a rusty fork in desperation. Being almost 14 minutes long, they sure have some work to do in here to make it work, and it does – at times. Those dramatic orchestrations sound fine, though Dimmu Borgir do them better, probably becoz they got Satan on their side instead of Harry Potter. Being, as mentioned, 14 minutes long, you can sure as hell expect some useless, slow passages – sounding like they were taken out of “Narnia”. “I’m afraid, I’m so afraid”... Yeah,